Mao Mao Me (Sept 8, 2016)
The past few weeks had been a eye-opener, for myself, about myself.
I had a strong hesitance to commit to going to the annual STGCC, not just because of the uncomfortable gnawing feeling of being isolated and alienated - amidst a thronging crowd, no less - but for this strong fear of leaving the girl alone in the house, as she passed on. I sincerely do not like the idea of her passing alone, by herself. No living thing deserves this.
Our cat Mao has been sickly for some time now, and terminal as of last prognosis, two weeks ago. Cancer took my Dad years back, and now cancer has taken our cat.
FUCK CANCER.
Just earlier the day, mum had asked, over breakfast, if I had intended to visit friends overseas in the later part of the year, so we could somewhat plan a family trip/vacation, and I had mentioned Bandung, Indonesia before, for years actually (having last visited in 2009, pre-Stroke, no less haha) and of my desire to return … but my instinctive response today was; “I don’t want to leave the cat alone at home”.
In the past (decade, give or take), it would have purely been about money, or lack thereof (still is lah, who am i trying to kid? *PUI*). Of course 5 years ago, it would have been about my lack of physicality post-Stroke. I’ve since come to grips with my physical lack, having since traveled to Bangkok and Jakarta (twice), and don’t really whinge as much as I have and since accepted my lack and moved on … or so I continuity convince myself to feel triumphant in my self-perceived mental capability, fhanks hahaha :p
“Money”, well, that is one thing that continues to plague my continued existence - but for the relief the recent teaching gig has granted me, truthfully speaking.
But the cat, the cat and her situation sort of dictated my response to life right until now.
Just the morning (post-breakfast vacay-conversation with mum), I was contemplating still whether to attend the media preview of STGCC (of course I hadn’t reserved a spot) and a chance to meet British artist JonPaul Kaiser again - who alone, out of all artists I have met, might turn out to be the only other dude ever to have met me pre-Stroke (in Thailand, 2010), AND post-Stroke, as he’s one of the Invited Guests for this year’s STGCC, and here in Singapore!
Surprisingly (to myself), this felt HUGE. A link to my "past" and "present" MUAHAHAHAHA
I don’t have “closure”, and doubt I’ll ever experience “closure” and am not sure if I really want one anyways, and neither am I out looking for one .. but this, THIS is (perhaps) a “Cycle of Fate” that intrigues and fascinates me!
No “pressure” there JonPaul, no pressure at all LOL
Back to the post-breakfast vacay-convo-with-mum in-the-morn : I had also finally decided - after weeks of hemming-n-hawing like an old manbiatch - that I was not going to attend STGCC this weekend after all, due to health issues and such self-pity-feeling-empty blahblahf**knblah - until circumstances somewhat changed - nothing to do with Mao at this point, tho…
But as of 3pm today, I no longer fear going to MBS this weekend, as Mao had passed in the afternoon, with her family surrounding her, and I do not regret giving the media press a miss (Sorry JonPaul, I’ll see you and Kelly at the Con!), and I am thankful I was with her til she breathed her last, and would not trade that for anything in the world for that moment.
Her passing had too much similarity to Dad’s passing as well (as first recognised by my sister and felt deeply about) … as he struggled to breath and gasped his last, with the entire (immediate) Heng Family surrounding him at his bedside at Assisi Hospice a scant few years ago (and just “last week” - in my memoryscape, as far as I am concerned).
I had not spoken at length about this (Dad’s passing) in any way shape or form, as it is something too devastating for me to share thus far, not that I am ashamed or anything impersonal or trivial like that … you read my blogs, you know my wonton verbal diarrhea about my personal life in public space LOL
But it’s okay if you don’t, really.
*pause for inner reflection*
I had been an emotional wreck for sometime now, for longer than I even dare admit nor recognise for myself too haha … and even more so illuminating once I celebrated the blog’s 10th year anniversary, and felt instinctively I’d lost support, and people to the left-and-right of me, left me behind, sometimes with a snub too … and hardly being able to P.R., answer unasked-questions, or sooth other people around me, physically or cybercally, I was not surprised folks faded into the background, understandably so.
As ever I am thankful for my family and their love, and utterly grateful for those who had shown compassion, and still continue to. You are the invisible force that spurs me on to survive in the "real world", I sh*t you not!
*grateful-pause-of-silence*
Comparatively, I had not at all expect the cat to meow at me as she near death, having kept me at a literal arms’ length for years, coming for me only quite recently, meowing for food, and rubbing my chubby feet as I prep her yummies, and recognising I had been selfishly spooning the food out of the cans slower than I could afford to do (*giggle-to-self*) … “compassion” from our cat, somewhat made up for the loss and emptiness I felt with human beings around me, admittedly so.
Of course I want to be loved. Who doesn’t?
And now she is gone.
Whatever phantom notions I had of her loving me, appreciating me giving her food, is for all intents and purposes, now a “memory” - not unlike the real world too.
Does “effort” and “time” spent; “pay off”?
For sure it might not be about the “expected result” or even “reward” one would hope for!
Does tending to a blog for a decade, mean the blog would reciprocate my efforts? Of course it is the “people” who read or react to my blog, that does hahaha - I am not THAT deluded in thought :p
And neither is "sympathy", for which I am always grateful for, and appreciate one's compassion and kindness - a thoroughly underrated virtue(s) in this day and age, I insist!
Clearing her water dish, keeping her food trays. Even carrying around the empty cage/travel-box, as we seeked food after leaving her lifeless body behind at the vet (we chose cremation), seemed like a waking dream, “automatic-effort”. Activities I have been getting used to, for the past two weeks bringing her to the vet, for IV drips, to moisten her body.
Only just a few moments ago, as I was typing this, I swore I split-second-saw - at the corner of my eye (the unpatched one :p) - the girl standing at my doorway, where she does when she was healthy, meowing me for food! She’s do a tender meek “meow”, and lick her lips - “our” signal to show she was hungry and wants food - “GIMME FOOD, HUMAN” hahaha
True story, bro.
But I realised it had been a loose piece of plastic, flapping in the breeze … I think.
A fount of inner emotions, I have been, and I suspect the turmoil might boil on further in the following days ... least I break down in the aisle, right smack in the middle of STGCC dammit!
Would anyone give a damn?
No, I do not expect Mao to rub herself around my feet.
Andy
I had a strong hesitance to commit to going to the annual STGCC, not just because of the uncomfortable gnawing feeling of being isolated and alienated - amidst a thronging crowd, no less - but for this strong fear of leaving the girl alone in the house, as she passed on. I sincerely do not like the idea of her passing alone, by herself. No living thing deserves this.
Our cat Mao has been sickly for some time now, and terminal as of last prognosis, two weeks ago. Cancer took my Dad years back, and now cancer has taken our cat.
FUCK CANCER.
Just earlier the day, mum had asked, over breakfast, if I had intended to visit friends overseas in the later part of the year, so we could somewhat plan a family trip/vacation, and I had mentioned Bandung, Indonesia before, for years actually (having last visited in 2009, pre-Stroke, no less haha) and of my desire to return … but my instinctive response today was; “I don’t want to leave the cat alone at home”.
In the past (decade, give or take), it would have purely been about money, or lack thereof (still is lah, who am i trying to kid? *PUI*). Of course 5 years ago, it would have been about my lack of physicality post-Stroke. I’ve since come to grips with my physical lack, having since traveled to Bangkok and Jakarta (twice), and don’t really whinge as much as I have and since accepted my lack and moved on … or so I continuity convince myself to feel triumphant in my self-perceived mental capability, fhanks hahaha :p
“Money”, well, that is one thing that continues to plague my continued existence - but for the relief the recent teaching gig has granted me, truthfully speaking.
But the cat, the cat and her situation sort of dictated my response to life right until now.
Just the morning (post-breakfast vacay-conversation with mum), I was contemplating still whether to attend the media preview of STGCC (of course I hadn’t reserved a spot) and a chance to meet British artist JonPaul Kaiser again - who alone, out of all artists I have met, might turn out to be the only other dude ever to have met me pre-Stroke (in Thailand, 2010), AND post-Stroke, as he’s one of the Invited Guests for this year’s STGCC, and here in Singapore!
Surprisingly (to myself), this felt HUGE. A link to my "past" and "present" MUAHAHAHAHA
I don’t have “closure”, and doubt I’ll ever experience “closure” and am not sure if I really want one anyways, and neither am I out looking for one .. but this, THIS is (perhaps) a “Cycle of Fate” that intrigues and fascinates me!
No “pressure” there JonPaul, no pressure at all LOL
Back to the post-breakfast vacay-convo-with-mum in-the-morn : I had also finally decided - after weeks of hemming-n-hawing like an old manbiatch - that I was not going to attend STGCC this weekend after all, due to health issues and such self-pity-feeling-empty blahblahf**knblah - until circumstances somewhat changed - nothing to do with Mao at this point, tho…
But as of 3pm today, I no longer fear going to MBS this weekend, as Mao had passed in the afternoon, with her family surrounding her, and I do not regret giving the media press a miss (Sorry JonPaul, I’ll see you and Kelly at the Con!), and I am thankful I was with her til she breathed her last, and would not trade that for anything in the world for that moment.
Her passing had too much similarity to Dad’s passing as well (as first recognised by my sister and felt deeply about) … as he struggled to breath and gasped his last, with the entire (immediate) Heng Family surrounding him at his bedside at Assisi Hospice a scant few years ago (and just “last week” - in my memoryscape, as far as I am concerned).
I had not spoken at length about this (Dad’s passing) in any way shape or form, as it is something too devastating for me to share thus far, not that I am ashamed or anything impersonal or trivial like that … you read my blogs, you know my wonton verbal diarrhea about my personal life in public space LOL
But it’s okay if you don’t, really.
*pause for inner reflection*
I had been an emotional wreck for sometime now, for longer than I even dare admit nor recognise for myself too haha … and even more so illuminating once I celebrated the blog’s 10th year anniversary, and felt instinctively I’d lost support, and people to the left-and-right of me, left me behind, sometimes with a snub too … and hardly being able to P.R., answer unasked-questions, or sooth other people around me, physically or cybercally, I was not surprised folks faded into the background, understandably so.
As ever I am thankful for my family and their love, and utterly grateful for those who had shown compassion, and still continue to. You are the invisible force that spurs me on to survive in the "real world", I sh*t you not!
*grateful-pause-of-silence*
Comparatively, I had not at all expect the cat to meow at me as she near death, having kept me at a literal arms’ length for years, coming for me only quite recently, meowing for food, and rubbing my chubby feet as I prep her yummies, and recognising I had been selfishly spooning the food out of the cans slower than I could afford to do (*giggle-to-self*) … “compassion” from our cat, somewhat made up for the loss and emptiness I felt with human beings around me, admittedly so.
Of course I want to be loved. Who doesn’t?
And now she is gone.
Whatever phantom notions I had of her loving me, appreciating me giving her food, is for all intents and purposes, now a “memory” - not unlike the real world too.
Does “effort” and “time” spent; “pay off”?
For sure it might not be about the “expected result” or even “reward” one would hope for!
Does tending to a blog for a decade, mean the blog would reciprocate my efforts? Of course it is the “people” who read or react to my blog, that does hahaha - I am not THAT deluded in thought :p
And neither is "sympathy", for which I am always grateful for, and appreciate one's compassion and kindness - a thoroughly underrated virtue(s) in this day and age, I insist!
Clearing her water dish, keeping her food trays. Even carrying around the empty cage/travel-box, as we seeked food after leaving her lifeless body behind at the vet (we chose cremation), seemed like a waking dream, “automatic-effort”. Activities I have been getting used to, for the past two weeks bringing her to the vet, for IV drips, to moisten her body.
Only just a few moments ago, as I was typing this, I swore I split-second-saw - at the corner of my eye (the unpatched one :p) - the girl standing at my doorway, where she does when she was healthy, meowing me for food! She’s do a tender meek “meow”, and lick her lips - “our” signal to show she was hungry and wants food - “GIMME FOOD, HUMAN” hahaha
True story, bro.
But I realised it had been a loose piece of plastic, flapping in the breeze … I think.
A fount of inner emotions, I have been, and I suspect the turmoil might boil on further in the following days ... least I break down in the aisle, right smack in the middle of STGCC dammit!
Would anyone give a damn?
No, I do not expect Mao to rub herself around my feet.
Andy
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