Goodbye 2013
2013 was a Year of "Loss".
Loosing my dreams. Loosing "friends" along the way. And of the loss of my Father.
And while I had dreams and plans aplenty for 2013, the timing for each and every one of them hinged on my financial ability and means, and of personal circumstance. Plans were considered, and laid to rest before they even begun to grow and blossom. Dreams were put aside, to take care of family, and for myself.
No point sharing what my dreams were, here and now, and perhaps once they come to fruition, I will share them again in "public" haha
"Friendship" is a tricky thing. Loyalty is balanced by fleetingness. "Longevity" has become an abstract term, and sometimes even "excuse". Admittedly, "Friends" and the continuation of friendship, needs attention, and sadly, I haven't been able to provide much attention to folks this year.
I never could smile when I did not feel it. I wear my heart on my face, so most times I choose not to show my face, because I simply could not "fake a smile".
I've never been good at massaging egos (and neither have I been comfortable receiving, for myself), and perhaps that's why I've never had that many a "friends" haha. And because I am a little narrow-minded Chinese man, the loss of friends, is obvious to me, like a glaring grouping of glow-in-the-dark figures in the hollowed darkness hahahaha.
Would "2014 be the year when I claim back lost friendship?", I asked myself ... and realized it is not something that needed to be "claimed" in the first place.
The people who decided to stay and support me, needs my attention first and foremost, and I am willing to give it to them personally, and happily. These are the folks I am proud to claim as "FRIENDS"! You know who you are, I know who you are :)
Dad left us on October 24th, after over a month of hospital stay and hospice care. After over a year of finding out about his cancer, and going thru chemotherapy, and subsequently radiology with him.
Since coming home from hospital for Stroke at the end of 2010 (ironically I left a 2-month stay in the hospital on Christmas Eve December 24th, 2010), I have had the opportunity of seeing him everyday, starting when I wake up in the morning, and stepping out of my bedroom, and addressing him "Pa" ... "爸". Every. Single. Day.
Dad had retired for quite some time by then, and spent most of his time at home, or out having kopi with his kakis, while I had been a wayward son spending most of his time at work (even if it meant behind a closed door to my bedroom when I blogged), and with (ex) girlfriend(s). Since Stroke, I had been able to see him every waking day since, and I treasure that moreso than anyone ever realizes, or care to know.
Since he left us, I wake up everyday now to an empty house, no longer seeing my dad play poker cards (his favorite game was "Solitare"), watching Chinese channel television, or having his own self-made milo oats-porridge for breakfast.
Friends ask; "How are you coping?", and I say "doing well, surviving…", and that is as much of a half-truth that people might want to know about, as concerned as they have been, frankly thinking ... but crying nearly every morning missing my Father, has left me tired for the rest of the day, and unable to complete the tasks I set up for myself, much less be able to head on out the front door of the house, and meet people, or even maintain a decent semblance of a conversation. But I do so because I want to, and not because I "have to" … so it is balancing on the razor's edge of lament I live the rest of my days in 2013.
Thinking back on Stroke; while I was incapacitated, lying in bed with half my body unmovable, I was more "angry" than "sad", and pushed through my recovering and rehabilitation, via my own efforts, breaking thru limitations set in my own mind. For Dad, I felt nothing but helplessness, to lessen his plight and condition, and could only endeavor to provide him limited company and comfort.
The last thing/word he ever said to me, in hospital before his stay and last exhale of breath in Assisi Hospice, was a whispered "sorry" … "对不起" … and it breaks my heart every time remembering it, and it will continue to be this way, for a long time coming …
Whatever "dreams" I might have had before, and whatever "friends" which I felt have left my side, pales in comparison to the anguish I have now, holding court in my heart, "sadness" replacing "lament", and I am left an emotional wreck, crawling thru the days, standing up tall when I face the world, teary-eyed sap behind the facade of the web browser.
But that is "life" now. I do not lament such.
I am learning to divert my journeys to my dreams, I am learning to evolve my dreams, to be able to achieve fruition at the end of the work day. I am learning to let go of my disappointments, I am learning to let go of people who have since loosened and dropped the grip of my weary hands. I am learning extremely hard to let go of anger.
I am learning to balance my personal emotions, with facing the world, with facing family, interacting with friends, keeping friends who want to be kept.
I am reliving my dreams, and will continue making new ones.
I do not wish anything for 2014, except for happiness and health for family, and friends, and a peace of mind and heart, for myself.
Cheers
Andy
P/S: Dad was actually born on March 24th. The number "24" holds such a love-hate connotation for me now ;p
Loosing my dreams. Loosing "friends" along the way. And of the loss of my Father.
And while I had dreams and plans aplenty for 2013, the timing for each and every one of them hinged on my financial ability and means, and of personal circumstance. Plans were considered, and laid to rest before they even begun to grow and blossom. Dreams were put aside, to take care of family, and for myself.
No point sharing what my dreams were, here and now, and perhaps once they come to fruition, I will share them again in "public" haha
"Friendship" is a tricky thing. Loyalty is balanced by fleetingness. "Longevity" has become an abstract term, and sometimes even "excuse". Admittedly, "Friends" and the continuation of friendship, needs attention, and sadly, I haven't been able to provide much attention to folks this year.
I never could smile when I did not feel it. I wear my heart on my face, so most times I choose not to show my face, because I simply could not "fake a smile".
I've never been good at massaging egos (and neither have I been comfortable receiving, for myself), and perhaps that's why I've never had that many a "friends" haha. And because I am a little narrow-minded Chinese man, the loss of friends, is obvious to me, like a glaring grouping of glow-in-the-dark figures in the hollowed darkness hahahaha.
Would "2014 be the year when I claim back lost friendship?", I asked myself ... and realized it is not something that needed to be "claimed" in the first place.
The people who decided to stay and support me, needs my attention first and foremost, and I am willing to give it to them personally, and happily. These are the folks I am proud to claim as "FRIENDS"! You know who you are, I know who you are :)
Dad left us on October 24th, after over a month of hospital stay and hospice care. After over a year of finding out about his cancer, and going thru chemotherapy, and subsequently radiology with him.
Since coming home from hospital for Stroke at the end of 2010 (ironically I left a 2-month stay in the hospital on Christmas Eve December 24th, 2010), I have had the opportunity of seeing him everyday, starting when I wake up in the morning, and stepping out of my bedroom, and addressing him "Pa" ... "爸". Every. Single. Day.
Dad had retired for quite some time by then, and spent most of his time at home, or out having kopi with his kakis, while I had been a wayward son spending most of his time at work (even if it meant behind a closed door to my bedroom when I blogged), and with (ex) girlfriend(s). Since Stroke, I had been able to see him every waking day since, and I treasure that moreso than anyone ever realizes, or care to know.
Since he left us, I wake up everyday now to an empty house, no longer seeing my dad play poker cards (his favorite game was "Solitare"), watching Chinese channel television, or having his own self-made milo oats-porridge for breakfast.
Friends ask; "How are you coping?", and I say "doing well, surviving…", and that is as much of a half-truth that people might want to know about, as concerned as they have been, frankly thinking ... but crying nearly every morning missing my Father, has left me tired for the rest of the day, and unable to complete the tasks I set up for myself, much less be able to head on out the front door of the house, and meet people, or even maintain a decent semblance of a conversation. But I do so because I want to, and not because I "have to" … so it is balancing on the razor's edge of lament I live the rest of my days in 2013.
Thinking back on Stroke; while I was incapacitated, lying in bed with half my body unmovable, I was more "angry" than "sad", and pushed through my recovering and rehabilitation, via my own efforts, breaking thru limitations set in my own mind. For Dad, I felt nothing but helplessness, to lessen his plight and condition, and could only endeavor to provide him limited company and comfort.
The last thing/word he ever said to me, in hospital before his stay and last exhale of breath in Assisi Hospice, was a whispered "sorry" … "对不起" … and it breaks my heart every time remembering it, and it will continue to be this way, for a long time coming …
Whatever "dreams" I might have had before, and whatever "friends" which I felt have left my side, pales in comparison to the anguish I have now, holding court in my heart, "sadness" replacing "lament", and I am left an emotional wreck, crawling thru the days, standing up tall when I face the world, teary-eyed sap behind the facade of the web browser.
But that is "life" now. I do not lament such.
I am learning to divert my journeys to my dreams, I am learning to evolve my dreams, to be able to achieve fruition at the end of the work day. I am learning to let go of my disappointments, I am learning to let go of people who have since loosened and dropped the grip of my weary hands. I am learning extremely hard to let go of anger.
I am learning to balance my personal emotions, with facing the world, with facing family, interacting with friends, keeping friends who want to be kept.
I am reliving my dreams, and will continue making new ones.
I do not wish anything for 2014, except for happiness and health for family, and friends, and a peace of mind and heart, for myself.
Cheers
Andy
P/S: Dad was actually born on March 24th. The number "24" holds such a love-hate connotation for me now ;p
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