Happy Father's Day 2016
"KEEPIN' PACE"
Walked with my dad to the neighbourhood central for dinner earlier in the evening ... just near the start of the walk; he asked me to slow down my pace, as he had trouble keeping up ... I froze for an instant (instantaneously cursing myself for forgetting about his heart problems) and apologized. He mentioned that it was okay and that his regular pace was faster as well ... as was mine ...
From that moment on, my pace was ground to a near-dragging-halt; a slow languid walk to the foodcourt and an even slower meal ... it felt somewhat "different", more so my recent grappling with trying to adopt a slower-pace-of-life (pending my own health issues) ... it felt; "fine" ... it felt like it was meant to be ...
My runaway-train-of-thought then stopped at the station-of-revelation: "why is there a need to walk so fast, when yet im going nowhere?"
Metaphysically, of coz ...
Looking at my dad and his seeming healthy exterior, drove home the reality of the situation, and of my own as well ... things are never quite the way they seem ... and somehow, I wasn't alone ... and that put a sense of "peace" in my mind and heart, as "I took a break at the station-of-revelation" ...
On the way home, walking at a snail's pace, with 2 bags of rice we had bought from the local "shop'n'save" (grocery store); plastic-bags cutting into my hands (normally I'd walk-post-haste back home if I were carrying sucha load) ... we ended up admiring the trees lined along the path on the way home ... dad pointed out to the starfruit-trees, jackfruit tree and chi-ku-tree (recognizing them from his kampung childhood days, most probably) ... he then mentioned that it's because of his recent health and the slower walking pace; that he had actually slowed down and noticed the fruit-trees (when he hadn't before) ...
My train-of-thought still at the station-of-revelation:
"Have I rushed past my own life, to miss out on the lil wonders surrounding me?"
And as I stared into the darkness of the dancing leaves beside the pathway under the nightshade under the trees … I smiled a cryptic-smile to myself, knowing full well the answer ... and the smile turns to a non-accusing serene-yet-sombre tone ... and the weight and pain of the 2 bags of rice didn't seem to bother me that much any more ...
Sitting in front of my Mac past the hour of midnight, I am still learning what exactly "nothing else matters"; means to me (as I've oft said; as of late) ... but this much is clear:
"For in life; tho we might be bogged down, let the 'journey' be as important as the 'destination'."
Cliched as it may sound to you, it is not ~ to me ... and I let my train cruise down the rickety-tracks ... and instead of looking at my watch and wondering when will it be when I arrive, I should look out of the window and take in the scenery, whatever it may be …"
I had written/blogged the above on the 2nd of August, 2005; around the time of my late-Dad's heart attack and recovery from it. This has been with my heart ever since, and even much so after his passing in October 2013, and means more to my heart than even I dare admit.
I myself literally ground to a halt in 2010, with the advent of my Stroke, and dad had been with me all the way - from me being in a wheelchair, to a walking cane, from weekly rehab sessions, to visiting overseas friends in art shows. And when cancer took ahold of his life, I in turn spent my everyday with him. Neither the "journey" nor the "destination" I had spoken of in the journal above, was important anymore. What was important, was the "company".
And though my heart yearns devastatingly for my father, I too am at peace with his passing, as I had the opportunity to have spent time with him within his last few years, than I had been a workaholic son for the past few decades of our lifetimes spent together. And while I cannot stop the ache, anguish or tears, I know he is in a better place now, without the pain, and hopefully without worries too, huh Dad? I'll make something of myself yet! Just you wait, Pa! Haha :)
Every year, we'll buy a cake for Father's Day, and maybe have a family luncheon or evening dinner out, before. This is our first Father's Day without dad, and I am pretty lost … but then again, I am in no particular hurry to "find" anything or anywhere, or "be found" ... all the while remembering to "Keep Pace" with myself, and continue to live my life and days, as well as I possibly can.
Love you Dad. We miss you.
Your Son,
Andy.
The above was posted on my Facebook circa June 16, 2014, and today June 19th, Father's Day in Singapore, I am reposting here on my personal blog. My heart yearns for Pa in tears still, especially today.
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